My roommate Jenn has started writing her own Onionish articals. Here she writes about a miracle that occured at our house last night. To see more of her musings click on Short Story Long under Blogs that Amuse Me.
Jesus is in the rice pudding
SoVi, MA- Late last evening, the unbelievable occurred on a quiet street in SoVi, Massachusetts. While the resident of one Somerville apartment prepared rice pudding, her roommate swore she saw Jesus Christ, the deceased and then risen son of God, appear in the delectable dessert. It wasn't proven to be Jesus until much later in the night (2 hours later, to be exact), when they both witnessed a miracle: the ¾ cup of dry rice used for the pudding had multiplied, into over 3 cups.
"We both scoffed at the minimal amount of rice the recipe called for," said Ms. Maims. "I could have eaten that piddly amount of rice in one spoonful. But, we only had ¾ of a cup of rice, and we just hoped it would be enough for us to enjoy the dessert. Boy were we surprised when Roey pulled the final result out of the oven. There was over 3 times the amount of rice in that casserole!"
Granted, this was no "Loaves and Fish" miracle circa 29 CE, when Mr. Christ made 7 loaves of bread and 7 fish feed millions of his followers. Still, the fact that a tiny amount of rice could become such a large quantity is astonishing, even for non-believers.
Some people do not agree with the SoVi residents that this was indeed a miracle, however. One such person is a theologian who was asked to comment on the recent event.
"First, it is silly to think that Jesus would cause rice to multiply in order to provide a substantial amount of dessert for two twenty somethings who skipped the gym and had already eaten ice cream sundaes earlier that afternoon. Second, Jesus never actually multiplied bread and seafood for the masses. Adults need to stop referring to their children's Bibles and start reading the real thing. That story was about a time when Jesus underestimated the amount of attendees he would have at one lecture event and thus the caterers only brought a ridiculously small amount of food. Fortunately, many people had brought their own lunch and were willing to share their extra scraps with the ones who didn't. Sharing is caring, people. The 'Loaves and Fish' story has nothing to do with a miracle. Unless the girls neighbors sneakily brought over their secret stashes of rice pudding in order to provide them with a dessert that evening, the 'Loaves and Fishes' event and the 'Rice Pudding Miracle' do not relate in the slightest."
When relayed to Ms. Maims and Roey, the theologians comment flabbergasted them. "But Jesus is magic," they responded in unison.
If the event had nothing to do with Mr. Christ, there is really no explanation for how and why the amount of rice could have increased to such a large amount and so rapidly. It could not be due to the fact that rice absorbs liquid and expands to 3 times its size, thus creating an output of rice exponentially larger than the input. It also had nothing to do with good neighbors sharing their shares of rice pudding with the girls next door. "We don't even know our neighbors," said Roey. "Although… we do think we live next door to a few male ghosts. I am not sure if they know how to cook, but I suppose it could be possible that they slipped in through an open window and provided us with rice pudding last night."
Ms. Maims confirmed that ghosts do indeed live in the apartment next door. She speculated, "If it wasn't J-Christ, then it must have been the ghosts. Since ghosts are transparent and very quiet except for the occasional booing, it is certainly possible that they could have snuck into our apartment unnoticed while we watched Little Miss Sunshine."
One Children's Bible writer, however, doesn't want to let go of the fact that this is indeed a miracle and Jesus Christ was behind it all. He plans on replacing the loaves and fish story in the current edition with the rice pudding story of yesterday night. "Children can't relate to loaves and fish, unless it is Wonder Bread and Gordon's fish sticks. I think rice pudding, it being a dessert and easy to chew by those missing a few teeth, is much more accessible to youth today." [ The updated and improved edition of the Children's Bible will be on sale in bookstores starting September 17, 2007].
Monday, July 30, 2007
baking for a cause!
Last Friday night I drove out to Amherst to see Friend's of Yours and Terrorist play a benefit show at the Mercy House- It's a Church! (i just get a kick out of the fact that the sign out front says that) As part of the fundraising efforts they had set up a bake sale and I was specifically asked to bake something for the event. Was I asked because I am a well respected baketress? No. I was simply asked to bring something to counter act the vegan brownies that some other girl was bringing. I decided to make whatever involved having the oven on for the least amount of time- brownies in mini muffin tins- genius!
As a side note, I have been tempted to make one vegan thing: http://veganyumyum.com/category/cupcakes/
boys and pies.
the week before last i had made plans to cook dinner for a gentleman. knowing full well that no dinner is complete (or worth eating) with out dessert, i whipped up my first summer pie of the season. now, i wouldn't be surprised if you all thought that cake was my passion, but that couldn't be further from the truth. pie is where my heart lies. i combined three parts strawberries to one part blueberries, sugar, cornstarch and such and topped it all with a beautifully woven lattice crust.
when my guest canceled on me last minute i did what any other spiteful baker would do. grabbed a beer and a quarter of the pie. ate. drank and napped. a very satisfying evening indeed.
when my guest canceled on me last minute i did what any other spiteful baker would do. grabbed a beer and a quarter of the pie. ate. drank and napped. a very satisfying evening indeed.
bAkiNG RagE- part deux
When i say "i'll make you a birthday cake" i should really start saying "i'll make you a birthday cake eventually". This way, if disaster strikes I have bought myself a little time.
It all started round about Sin Ickle's birthday. She has been living in Philly for the past million months and has missed out on all the other pissah birthday cakes and of course, like any good wife, Coach Hotwheels has done nothing but rub it in her face. So when she requested a Maimsey cake for her birthday it was impossible to refuse.
On Sin's actual birthday I was in Vermont hiking with my sister. I had assumed we would frolic in the woods for a few hours and then I would have time to get back to Boston and go about my business before starting the work week. Ten miles and seven hours later I got in my car to start my four hour drive back home. There would be no baking that day.
The next several weeks went on like this. Until finally, the week before last I was able to whip her up some cakes. I went to bed Wednesday night planning to awake early on Thursday to buy the supplies to make the coveted peanut butter frosting. Thursday morning my tire was flat. Fuck.
It wasn't until Monday that I could get myself together and to make the frosting. By this time the cakes had been sitting on my counter wrapped in tinfoil for days and i feared they were too stale. I mean, if you're going to wait a month for your birthday cake, it best not be stale. So i tossed the cakes around the kitchen like frisbees and moved onto remake the cake in cupcake form.
I was finally able to complete the task and cover them tight so that they would last until Thursday when I drove the cupcakes over to Hot Wheels who promised not to eat them before Sin came home the next day.
All is well that ends well. Sin was very happy to have received her cupcakes at last and I learned a valuable lesson on setting expectations.
All is well that ends well. Sin was very happy to have received her cupcakes at last and I learned a valuable lesson on setting expectations.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
bAkinG RaGE - part one
my kitchen was clean last sunday. it was "clean clean" instead of "good enough" clean. i regretfully report to you that after a week of baking rage my kitchen looks like ::insert cliche about things being a mess here::.
tuesday was my sister's birthday. so like any good sister i got up early and started about making her a cake. carrot cake to be exact. carrot cake is one of my new favorite things because it is incredibly easy to make, it involves shredding things, and allows you to believe (if only for a moment) that it is good for you. the cake was submitted to the oven for baking and by the time it had finished and cooled, there was no time for the cream cheese frosting to be made. We made our way into the world to have adventures in introducing papa J to sushi, watching the red sox lose terribly, and hoofing across the city to avoid the inevitable 'face in armpit' scenario that is bound to take place on public transportation after a red sox game.
by the time we reached somerville i was tired, sweaty and yes, a bit cranky. we stopped at at store 24 to purchase the powdered sugar and walked the rest of the way home. i neglected to leave some butter out to soften to make the frosting so i made my way to bed hoping that thing would look better in the morning as they often do.
the lady week fairy came that night and granted me with and attitude that needed an adjustment. as a result i was up at 6:30 in the morning making cream cheese frosting and cursing the world. i slopped the frosting on the bundt cake rather carelessly and scattered some sprinkles on top. Great, I just made my sister and over sized birthday donut. humph.
We ate our cake for breakfast and things seemed better after that. It had been years since Meesh had a real live birthday cake and even though me frosting it with rage barefoot and bra less is not the same as a loved one turing the corner, lights dimmed and candles lit, i think it was appreciated.
tuesday was my sister's birthday. so like any good sister i got up early and started about making her a cake. carrot cake to be exact. carrot cake is one of my new favorite things because it is incredibly easy to make, it involves shredding things, and allows you to believe (if only for a moment) that it is good for you. the cake was submitted to the oven for baking and by the time it had finished and cooled, there was no time for the cream cheese frosting to be made. We made our way into the world to have adventures in introducing papa J to sushi, watching the red sox lose terribly, and hoofing across the city to avoid the inevitable 'face in armpit' scenario that is bound to take place on public transportation after a red sox game.
by the time we reached somerville i was tired, sweaty and yes, a bit cranky. we stopped at at store 24 to purchase the powdered sugar and walked the rest of the way home. i neglected to leave some butter out to soften to make the frosting so i made my way to bed hoping that thing would look better in the morning as they often do.
the lady week fairy came that night and granted me with and attitude that needed an adjustment. as a result i was up at 6:30 in the morning making cream cheese frosting and cursing the world. i slopped the frosting on the bundt cake rather carelessly and scattered some sprinkles on top. Great, I just made my sister and over sized birthday donut. humph.
We ate our cake for breakfast and things seemed better after that. It had been years since Meesh had a real live birthday cake and even though me frosting it with rage barefoot and bra less is not the same as a loved one turing the corner, lights dimmed and candles lit, i think it was appreciated.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
No Love for Bread Pudding
With the two hour drive to Connecticut in Fourth of July traffic looming over my head, I got up early on fourth to do my baking. As overtired and discombobulated as I was (and usually am) I flipped through a few of my recipe books to find a recipe I already had the ingredients for. I found none.
I flipped through a second time hoping to find a recipe that only involved me walking to the White Hen two blocks down the street and not putting real clothes on (ie: a bra), getting in my car, driving to the store, finding a GD'ed parking spot, running through the isles, checking out, getting back in my car, finding a parking spot near my house, and hauling all my purchases in. And then I saw it. Bread.Pudding. Yummy and Sweet and Simplistic!
I walked down to White Hen to pick up some milk, eggs and dense white bread. "why don't I make bread pudding all the time?!?" I wondered as I made my way back home.
The actual making of the bread pudding was perhaps the easiest thing ever. Egg, Sugar, Milk and Vanilla beaten and poured over cut up bread pieces. Throw that sucker in the oven and you have dessert!
Fast forward to the bbq where we are all gathered in the kitchen waiting for the dessert to be put out. There are cookies, and strawberry shortcake, and my glorious bread pudding. No one touches the bread pudding- though they do stare at it kind of confused like. It was then I realized, No one likes bread pudding. Just me.
Serves me right for being to lazy to go to the grocery store, I suppose. But really, bread pudding is just under appreciated in general. If you would like to try making some delicious bread pudding- take a look here. http://web.foodnetwork.com/food/web/searchResults?searchString=bread+pudding&site=food&searchType=Recipe
I flipped through a second time hoping to find a recipe that only involved me walking to the White Hen two blocks down the street and not putting real clothes on (ie: a bra), getting in my car, driving to the store, finding a GD'ed parking spot, running through the isles, checking out, getting back in my car, finding a parking spot near my house, and hauling all my purchases in. And then I saw it. Bread.Pudding. Yummy and Sweet and Simplistic!
I walked down to White Hen to pick up some milk, eggs and dense white bread. "why don't I make bread pudding all the time?!?" I wondered as I made my way back home.
The actual making of the bread pudding was perhaps the easiest thing ever. Egg, Sugar, Milk and Vanilla beaten and poured over cut up bread pieces. Throw that sucker in the oven and you have dessert!
Fast forward to the bbq where we are all gathered in the kitchen waiting for the dessert to be put out. There are cookies, and strawberry shortcake, and my glorious bread pudding. No one touches the bread pudding- though they do stare at it kind of confused like. It was then I realized, No one likes bread pudding. Just me.
Serves me right for being to lazy to go to the grocery store, I suppose. But really, bread pudding is just under appreciated in general. If you would like to try making some delicious bread pudding- take a look here. http://web.foodnetwork.com/food/web/searchResults?searchString=bread+pudding&site=food&searchType=Recipe
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
