The proof is in the puddin'.

My roommate Jenn has started writing her own Onionish articals. Here she writes about a miracle that occured at our house last night. To see more of her musings click on Short Story Long under Blogs that Amuse Me.


Jesus is in the rice pudding

SoVi, MA- Late last evening, the unbelievable occurred on a quiet street in SoVi, Massachusetts. While the resident of one Somerville apartment prepared rice pudding, her roommate swore she saw Jesus Christ, the deceased and then risen son of God, appear in the delectable dessert. It wasn't proven to be Jesus until much later in the night (2 hours later, to be exact), when they both witnessed a miracle: the ¾ cup of dry rice used for the pudding had multiplied, into over 3 cups.

"We both scoffed at the minimal amount of rice the recipe called for," said Ms. Maims. "I could have eaten that piddly amount of rice in one spoonful. But, we only had ¾ of a cup of rice, and we just hoped it would be enough for us to enjoy the dessert. Boy were we surprised when Roey pulled the final result out of the oven. There was over 3 times the amount of rice in that casserole!"

Granted, this was no "Loaves and Fish" miracle circa 29 CE, when Mr. Christ made 7 loaves of bread and 7 fish feed millions of his followers. Still, the fact that a tiny amount of rice could become such a large quantity is astonishing, even for non-believers.

Some people do not agree with the SoVi residents that this was indeed a miracle, however. One such person is a theologian who was asked to comment on the recent event.

"First, it is silly to think that Jesus would cause rice to multiply in order to provide a substantial amount of dessert for two twenty somethings who skipped the gym and had already eaten ice cream sundaes earlier that afternoon. Second, Jesus never actually multiplied bread and seafood for the masses. Adults need to stop referring to their children's Bibles and start reading the real thing. That story was about a time when Jesus underestimated the amount of attendees he would have at one lecture event and thus the caterers only brought a ridiculously small amount of food. Fortunately, many people had brought their own lunch and were willing to share their extra scraps with the ones who didn't. Sharing is caring, people. The 'Loaves and Fish' story has nothing to do with a miracle. Unless the girls neighbors sneakily brought over their secret stashes of rice pudding in order to provide them with a dessert that evening, the 'Loaves and Fishes' event and the 'Rice Pudding Miracle' do not relate in the slightest."

When relayed to Ms. Maims and Roey, the theologians comment flabbergasted them. "But Jesus is magic," they responded in unison.

If the event had nothing to do with Mr. Christ, there is really no explanation for how and why the amount of rice could have increased to such a large amount and so rapidly. It could not be due to the fact that rice absorbs liquid and expands to 3 times its size, thus creating an output of rice exponentially larger than the input. It also had nothing to do with good neighbors sharing their shares of rice pudding with the girls next door. "We don't even know our neighbors," said Roey. "Although… we do think we live next door to a few male ghosts. I am not sure if they know how to cook, but I suppose it could be possible that they slipped in through an open window and provided us with rice pudding last night."

Ms. Maims confirmed that ghosts do indeed live in the apartment next door. She speculated, "If it wasn't J-Christ, then it must have been the ghosts. Since ghosts are transparent and very quiet except for the occasional booing, it is certainly possible that they could have snuck into our apartment unnoticed while we watched Little Miss Sunshine."

One Children's Bible writer, however, doesn't want to let go of the fact that this is indeed a miracle and Jesus Christ was behind it all. He plans on replacing the loaves and fish story in the current edition with the rice pudding story of yesterday night. "Children can't relate to loaves and fish, unless it is Wonder Bread and Gordon's fish sticks. I think rice pudding, it being a dessert and easy to chew by those missing a few teeth, is much more accessible to youth today." [ The updated and improved edition of the Children's Bible will be on sale in bookstores starting September 17, 2007].