Cake for Spite... Literally!

I know, I know, I have been a very neglectful blogger. I assure you it is not for lack for baking. On the contrary, I have been baking more then ever on a very special project for the one and only Betty Spite.

If you have read any of my previous blog posts or know me at all you might understand that I'm a bit of a disaster, wrapped in calamity, and topped with the essence of a bull in the china shop. When Betty Spite asked me to make her wedding cake, I said yes. You may question why. I know I did.

I figured that I am pretty much capable of anything if I try (I once hung a door with a leatherman and a bread knife- since then I've been unstoppable), so I started by doing a little bit of research and then making practice cake after practice cake. I choose my roommates family recipe for Hot Water Chocolate Cake. And although it does not rise as much as a box mix will, it has a delicious rich flavor and is a sinch to make.


Versions one, two and three of this cake were mostly to develop flavor and texture and to get the recipe down pat. After version 3.0 I decided that the cake, though delicous might just weigh too much for a wedding cake. So when making 4.0 (Jillian's birthday cake) I tried to doctor up a boxed mix, cut each layer in half, and fill it with frosting.

Everyone at Jillian's birthday party were like "oh this cake is so good" and "lauren did you really make this?" I'm pretty sure they were just drunk. Drunk people think any cake is good cake, beileve me, I'm a pro at this. The cake wasn't bad, it was just ordinary and what I would call an asctetic monstrosity. The wedding was a week away, the frosting had crumbs all through it, the cake was all but falling apart and I was officially in panic mode.


I dedicated the following Sunday to making 5.0. After going to the craft store to buy new pans and other equiptment to build the cake and four trips to the grocery store (why doesn't anyone sell buttermilk!?!) I sat down in my kitchen to develop a new plan. Clearly using the slicing and filliing technique was out. I decided that the safest thing to do was bake thin layers and stackign those on top of eachother. No slicing. No crumbs.

I mixed it up a little bit by baking half of the layers with that Chocolate Hot Water Cake and the other half with what I like to call Wicked Pissah Velvet Cake. It wasn't until I tried baking these thin layers that I realized my oven was lopsided. SHIT.FUCK.POOP. I would have to find another oven to bake the final product in.

The next day I stacked them up and glued them together with buttercream frosting. I used dowels to keep the cake together and even practiced driving it to my weekly kickball game. My teammates were willing taste testers since I couldn't even think about eating any more cake. It received rave reviews (before they were wasted, so I actually kinda believed them) and best of all I discovered that when you stack the chocolate then red velvet then chocolate then red velvet then chocolate with the pretty white buttercream inside. OY! It was so beautiful! Maybe I could do this after all.

(that isn't a fifty as much as it is a 5.0)

I took the day before the wedding off from work and started baking at my friend Sarah's house around ten o'clock. Her oven was level, thank God and after a few hours I had all the layers cooked and cooled. I transported them a few blocks to my house and whipped up some butter cream to stack them. Later that day I had my first experiementation with fondant.

December 31st 2007: ** augh. I haven't posted since august because writing about Betty Spite's wedding cake adventure was too much pressure. So I will just say this: Betty Spite got married, she was beautiful, her wedding was perfect and I didn't drop the cake! hip hip hooray!!! **

conquering the cape!

My family was a north shore family. My Nana would rent a summer house in Gloucester and sun herself all summer long as my grandfather would commute in and out of Boston for work. When my mom was old enough, she too rented a house up that way. I grew up driving up to Long Beach from my hometown in Connecticut and staying overnight in the big red Cape Ann Motor Inn on the edge of the beach. My sister and I ate cereal out of mini boxes with plastic spoons and of course Nana's infamous blueberry cake. Blueberry cake is as much a part of going to the beach as hunting for snails or sand in my sheets.

Jenn, my roommate, invited me to join her family down the cape for a few days and although I have never actually had fun at the cape (once we couldn't find a beach.. pathetic i know, but we are North Shore folk) I jumped at the chance to see what all the fuss was about and have a family vacation experience!





As a thank you, and because a trip to the beach wouldn't be right without it, I baked my Nana's cake. The recipe can be found here if you scroll down a bit.



I am happy to announce that it was much easier then I remember, and just as tasty! As for the cape? The Ruoccos showed me a fantastic time! We headed up to Ptown on Friday since it was raining and had a beautiful beach day on Saturday!

red velvet pissah cakes!

There are two kinds of baking days. There are the days where I bake out of obligation, scrambling to find something I have the ingredients for and running about the house in an utter frenzy. And then there are the days where I have no time constraints and baking is soothing and satisfying. Although the later kind is few and far between, I was delighted when last Friday turned out that way.

Although it was sweltering hot out, Friday afternoon I started making Harlot Feevah's Belated Red Velvet Pissah Cakes. My wireless internet finally started working again so I spent my time mixing and beating and listening to This American Life. To seek refuge from the heat I put a spray bottle in the fridge and sprayed myself down every few minutes, drank one or two britas full of water, and stuck my face under the facet. It worked without folly.

The Red Velvet Cupcakes came out beautifully, glowing. vibrant. pissah red. We Pissahs got together to finally celebrate officially our Cinco de Mayo Championship Victory by BBQing at Papa Feevah's and going mini golfing. It was a fantastic day and not even losing my ball in the wood somewhere around the 11th hole could ruin my good mood.

For more information on Red Velvet Cake...

sugar and spice

Last week was Miss Mary Smack's birthday and a cause for great celebration because she is the one woman on earth with a sweet tooth stronger then mine! Upon request I made yet another carrot cake, but decided that the original recipe could use some improvement.

Dispite the flood like conditions on mass ave. i drove up through Arlington until i reached penzeys. now, i had heard a lot of buzz about this so called penzeys place but had no idea what it was all about.

Thankfully my roommate Jenn came with me because this place was all about smelling. the nice ladies stuck jars in my nose and looked at me for response. not that this is an uncommon event for me, being anosmic i do this all the time. i either pretend that i can smell just to save the hassle or go through the standard questions. "oh you can't smell?" "have you even been able to smell" "can you taste?" "what about gasoline, can you smell gas?" "so you walk by a bread store and you can't smell it?"

This Penzeys lady was very nice and simply moved on to help me find what I needed. i told her i wanted to make a very spicy spice carrot cake. We picked out new ginger and cloves and I was off to create the very best birthday carrot cake known to man.

I do adore making layer cakes, first because they are pretty and second there is a higher frosting to to cake ratio. Every piece is an edge piece! My trouble is that making my own frosting has lead to a few cake landslides and Smack's cake was no exception.

Please note how it starts off lop-sided before it even leaves the counter.

Please also note how the moment I try to put it in my car, my cake holder fails me and it comes dangerously near my gravel and hair infested car floor.

Furthermore, you should also note that I proceeded to eat the frosting off my purse on my way over to JP.


and lastly, you should note that the cake was a smashing success (no pun intended... not that what i said was even a halfway decent pun) even if i forgot to put in the pecans. i told you i forget ingredients!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISS MARY SMACK!!!

The proof is in the puddin'.

My roommate Jenn has started writing her own Onionish articals. Here she writes about a miracle that occured at our house last night. To see more of her musings click on Short Story Long under Blogs that Amuse Me.


Jesus is in the rice pudding

SoVi, MA- Late last evening, the unbelievable occurred on a quiet street in SoVi, Massachusetts. While the resident of one Somerville apartment prepared rice pudding, her roommate swore she saw Jesus Christ, the deceased and then risen son of God, appear in the delectable dessert. It wasn't proven to be Jesus until much later in the night (2 hours later, to be exact), when they both witnessed a miracle: the ¾ cup of dry rice used for the pudding had multiplied, into over 3 cups.

"We both scoffed at the minimal amount of rice the recipe called for," said Ms. Maims. "I could have eaten that piddly amount of rice in one spoonful. But, we only had ¾ of a cup of rice, and we just hoped it would be enough for us to enjoy the dessert. Boy were we surprised when Roey pulled the final result out of the oven. There was over 3 times the amount of rice in that casserole!"

Granted, this was no "Loaves and Fish" miracle circa 29 CE, when Mr. Christ made 7 loaves of bread and 7 fish feed millions of his followers. Still, the fact that a tiny amount of rice could become such a large quantity is astonishing, even for non-believers.

Some people do not agree with the SoVi residents that this was indeed a miracle, however. One such person is a theologian who was asked to comment on the recent event.

"First, it is silly to think that Jesus would cause rice to multiply in order to provide a substantial amount of dessert for two twenty somethings who skipped the gym and had already eaten ice cream sundaes earlier that afternoon. Second, Jesus never actually multiplied bread and seafood for the masses. Adults need to stop referring to their children's Bibles and start reading the real thing. That story was about a time when Jesus underestimated the amount of attendees he would have at one lecture event and thus the caterers only brought a ridiculously small amount of food. Fortunately, many people had brought their own lunch and were willing to share their extra scraps with the ones who didn't. Sharing is caring, people. The 'Loaves and Fish' story has nothing to do with a miracle. Unless the girls neighbors sneakily brought over their secret stashes of rice pudding in order to provide them with a dessert that evening, the 'Loaves and Fishes' event and the 'Rice Pudding Miracle' do not relate in the slightest."

When relayed to Ms. Maims and Roey, the theologians comment flabbergasted them. "But Jesus is magic," they responded in unison.

If the event had nothing to do with Mr. Christ, there is really no explanation for how and why the amount of rice could have increased to such a large amount and so rapidly. It could not be due to the fact that rice absorbs liquid and expands to 3 times its size, thus creating an output of rice exponentially larger than the input. It also had nothing to do with good neighbors sharing their shares of rice pudding with the girls next door. "We don't even know our neighbors," said Roey. "Although… we do think we live next door to a few male ghosts. I am not sure if they know how to cook, but I suppose it could be possible that they slipped in through an open window and provided us with rice pudding last night."

Ms. Maims confirmed that ghosts do indeed live in the apartment next door. She speculated, "If it wasn't J-Christ, then it must have been the ghosts. Since ghosts are transparent and very quiet except for the occasional booing, it is certainly possible that they could have snuck into our apartment unnoticed while we watched Little Miss Sunshine."

One Children's Bible writer, however, doesn't want to let go of the fact that this is indeed a miracle and Jesus Christ was behind it all. He plans on replacing the loaves and fish story in the current edition with the rice pudding story of yesterday night. "Children can't relate to loaves and fish, unless it is Wonder Bread and Gordon's fish sticks. I think rice pudding, it being a dessert and easy to chew by those missing a few teeth, is much more accessible to youth today." [ The updated and improved edition of the Children's Bible will be on sale in bookstores starting September 17, 2007].

baking for a cause!

Last Friday night I drove out to Amherst to see Friend's of Yours and Terrorist play a benefit show at the Mercy House- It's a Church! (i just get a kick out of the fact that the sign out front says that) As part of the fundraising efforts they had set up a bake sale and I was specifically asked to bake something for the event. Was I asked because I am a well respected baketress? No. I was simply asked to bring something to counter act the vegan brownies that some other girl was bringing. I decided to make whatever involved having the oven on for the least amount of time- brownies in mini muffin tins- genius!

As a side note, I have been tempted to make one vegan thing: http://veganyumyum.com/category/cupcakes/

boys and pies.

the week before last i had made plans to cook dinner for a gentleman. knowing full well that no dinner is complete (or worth eating) with out dessert, i whipped up my first summer pie of the season. now, i wouldn't be surprised if you all thought that cake was my passion, but that couldn't be further from the truth. pie is where my heart lies. i combined three parts strawberries to one part blueberries, sugar, cornstarch and such and topped it all with a beautifully woven lattice crust.

when my guest canceled on me last minute i did what any other spiteful baker would do. grabbed a beer and a quarter of the pie. ate. drank and napped. a very satisfying evening indeed.

bAkiNG RagE- part deux

When i say "i'll make you a birthday cake" i should really start saying "i'll make you a birthday cake eventually". This way, if disaster strikes I have bought myself a little time.

It all started round about Sin Ickle's birthday. She has been living in Philly for the past million months and has missed out on all the other pissah birthday cakes and of course, like any good wife, Coach Hotwheels has done nothing but rub it in her face. So when she requested a Maimsey cake for her birthday it was impossible to refuse.

On Sin's actual birthday I was in Vermont hiking with my sister. I had assumed we would frolic in the woods for a few hours and then I would have time to get back to Boston and go about my business before starting the work week. Ten miles and seven hours later I got in my car to start my four hour drive back home. There would be no baking that day.

The next several weeks went on like this. Until finally, the week before last I was able to whip her up some cakes. I went to bed Wednesday night planning to awake early on Thursday to buy the supplies to make the coveted peanut butter frosting. Thursday morning my tire was flat. Fuck.

It wasn't until Monday that I could get myself together and to make the frosting. By this time the cakes had been sitting on my counter wrapped in tinfoil for days and i feared they were too stale. I mean, if you're going to wait a month for your birthday cake, it best not be stale. So i tossed the cakes around the kitchen like frisbees and moved onto remake the cake in cupcake form.

I was finally able to complete the task and cover them tight so that they would last until Thursday when I drove the cupcakes over to Hot Wheels who promised not to eat them before Sin came home the next day.

All is well that ends well. Sin was very happy to have received her cupcakes at last and I learned a valuable lesson on setting expectations.

bAkinG RaGE - part one

my kitchen was clean last sunday. it was "clean clean" instead of "good enough" clean. i regretfully report to you that after a week of baking rage my kitchen looks like ::insert cliche about things being a mess here::.

tuesday was my sister's birthday. so like any good sister i got up early and started about making her a cake. carrot cake to be exact. carrot cake is one of my new favorite things because it is incredibly easy to make, it involves shredding things, and allows you to believe (if only for a moment) that it is good for you. the cake was submitted to the oven for baking and by the time it had finished and cooled, there was no time for the cream cheese frosting to be made. We made our way into the world to have adventures in introducing papa J to sushi, watching the red sox lose terribly, and hoofing across the city to avoid the inevitable 'face in armpit' scenario that is bound to take place on public transportation after a red sox game.

by the time we reached somerville i was tired, sweaty and yes, a bit cranky. we stopped at at store 24 to purchase the powdered sugar and walked the rest of the way home. i neglected to leave some butter out to soften to make the frosting so i made my way to bed hoping that thing would look better in the morning as they often do.

the lady week fairy came that night and granted me with and attitude that needed an adjustment. as a result i was up at 6:30 in the morning making cream cheese frosting and cursing the world. i slopped the frosting on the bundt cake rather carelessly and scattered some sprinkles on top. Great, I just made my sister and over sized birthday donut. humph.

We ate our cake for breakfast and things seemed better after that. It had been years since Meesh had a real live birthday cake and even though me frosting it with rage barefoot and bra less is not the same as a loved one turing the corner, lights dimmed and candles lit, i think it was appreciated.

don't shit talk cake... unless you're funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mr2dC0JDeD8

No Love for Bread Pudding

With the two hour drive to Connecticut in Fourth of July traffic looming over my head, I got up early on fourth to do my baking. As overtired and discombobulated as I was (and usually am) I flipped through a few of my recipe books to find a recipe I already had the ingredients for. I found none.

I flipped through a second time hoping to find a recipe that only involved me walking to the White Hen two blocks down the street and not putting real clothes on (ie: a bra), getting in my car, driving to the store, finding a GD'ed parking spot, running through the isles, checking out, getting back in my car, finding a parking spot near my house, and hauling all my purchases in. And then I saw it. Bread.Pudding. Yummy and Sweet and Simplistic!

I walked down to White Hen to pick up some milk, eggs and dense white bread. "why don't I make bread pudding all the time?!?" I wondered as I made my way back home.

The actual making of the bread pudding was perhaps the easiest thing ever. Egg, Sugar, Milk and Vanilla beaten and poured over cut up bread pieces. Throw that sucker in the oven and you have dessert!

Fast forward to the bbq where we are all gathered in the kitchen waiting for the dessert to be put out. There are cookies, and strawberry shortcake, and my glorious bread pudding. No one touches the bread pudding- though they do stare at it kind of confused like. It was then I realized, No one likes bread pudding. Just me.

Serves me right for being to lazy to go to the grocery store, I suppose. But really, bread pudding is just under appreciated in general. If you would like to try making some delicious bread pudding- take a look here. http://web.foodnetwork.com/food/web/searchResults?searchString=bread+pudding&site=food&searchType=Recipe

if you can't take the heat, then you don't get any snacks.

so if you live in or around boston, you might be aware of the stupid heat wave we have had this past week. in addition i have been plagued, again, with tonsillitis. these are the two best reasons i can come up with for not baking anything and therefore not having anything interesting to write about in this silly blog of mine. i hope to be back in action next week, now that the weather has sorted itself out and there are july 4th bbqs to attend!

a few notes:

1. i had a cookie yesterday that looked like a disaster but tasted like a dream. it seemed to be a basic chocolate chip cookie base with dark and white chocolate chips, slivered almonds, and cranberries. mmmm.... to get your own go to true grounds in ball square, somerville.

2. i am currently in vermont, visiting my sister and although i have her beat out in the pie and cake department, the girl has a knack for cookies. i hope to pick up a thing or two from her while i'm here.

would you rather....

i recently helped my fellow pissah mourn the loss of her appendix by baking delicious peanut butter brownies. it got me to thinking.. which would your rather an appendix or a pan or brownies. lets see what feevs had to say in this indepth interview conducted by Cupcakes for Spite.

name: Harlot Fevah or affectionately known Feevs or Feevies Jeebies
relation to maimsey?: Teammate extraordinaire!
favorite color?: Pissah red.
do you want a pony?: I don't know if a pony is exactly what I want my fat, brownie-loving-ass to be riding around on. And I also don't want to attract any children's attention - because if I DID have a pony, you can bet your sweet ass I wouldn't share it with any stupid kids.
do you like to swim in lakes or bathtubs best?: While I do have childhood pictures of me swimming in my bathtub with orange swimmies and flippers -- I would have to say lakes. Amoebas are my friends.
and most importantly, which would you rather have brownies or an appendix?: If it meant getting another pan of delicious peanut-butter brownies from Maims, I would lose at least 6 to 7 more appendixes. It's definitely worth the pain!

you heard it here first kids, really live appendixless people prefer brownies to appendixes. yesssss!!!!

cake throwdowns are more fun when both people know...

so i forced myself to bake a cake this weekend. not only because i had six books to read for class this week or because i felt like someone ran me over with a truck. no no, i baked a cake this weekend because i had a birthday bbq to attend and well, because i had created a little birthday cake throwdown in my head.

i made one of my all time favorite cakes- strawberry with strawberry cream cheese frosting and neon radioactive sprinkles and hustled myself over to the bbq only five hours late (half past fashionable). when i arrived, i decided that it would be an asshole thing to show up at a bbq and declare it a "birthday cake throwdown", i mean, it's not exactly nice when bobby flay does it and that's on national tv. so i just brought the cake and it was eaten.

turns out lately i bake alot of cake that i never eat. i dont know why. maybe because i fill up on batter.

anyway! upward and onward to new adventures in baking. pie season is among us!

i used to be a cookie monster.

I'm on the left.
Here is what I like about this photo:
1. My cookie monster apron.
2. My haircut.
3. The fact that I still use that bowl if I bake at my parents house.
4. And of course, baking with my seester (pre-braces mind you).

9 eggs, 5 chocolate bars, and 1 dented pan

About a month ago my friend Jodie Faster said she needed to ask me a favor. I immediately responded, “What flavor”. I’ve finally come to the realization that in many circles I run in the word favor and cake are synonymous. I graciously agreed to make “the birthday cake” for the bbq she and her wife were hosting. Now to put things in perspective I think it is important to note that Faster’s wife was at one time a pastry chef and the thought of baking a cake for her party was terrifying. An honor, but terrifying.

I spent the next several weeks debating on what type of cake to make. Chocolate? Strawberry with cream cheese frosting? Lemon with buttercream frosting? When the final word of what the birthday girl’s favorite flavor was relayed to me, I knew I had just the thing.

Any of you who know me realize that I am the reigning queen of over commitment and poor planning. So of course I am baking this cake after skating 6 miles in the aids walk, and forty minutes before my friend came to pick me up. Unshowered. Of course.

I started with 9 eggs and separated them into two bowls. Then I melted a stick of butter and five 70% chocolate bars in a double boiler. I beat 2/3 cup of sugar into the egg yolks and poured the shiny chocolate buttery-ness into the mix. I beat the egg whites into submission with my kitchen aid until they were firm and well behaved. This is when things start to get confusing. I was supposed to combine the egg yolk, sugar, butter, chocolate mix with the egg whites. Chocolate is heavy. Egg whites are fluffy. I’m confused. So mixed it as best I could, stuck it in the oven and took a shower.

When I took it out of the oven it looked a little questionable. Wobbly at best and still steaming hot. Shattered showed up to pick me up, I wrapped the cake in a towel and headed to the bbq.

I arrived at the bbq, popped the cake out of my dented spring form pan and placed it on the table where it remained untouched for the whole time I was there. I gave it a glance now and then to see if the “2” and “5” candles had completely sunken into the chocolate quicksand that was my cake. I left the party worried it tasted like egg whites, NOT what I want my cakes to taste like.

Never fear, I will live to bake another day. The reviews came back saying that although it was slightly undercooked, it still tasted good. Phew. Another baking challenge complete.

This coming weekend I am invited to another birthday BBQ for which the evite named someone else as “baker extraordinaire”. Yeah, we’ll see about that. Also on my plate, what to bake for someone who doesn’t like sweets? Cheve pie that’s what!

ugly sheet cakes

The one and only Pina Collidah has recently decided to dedicate a blog to art of the ugly sheet cake. Totally up my alley!

check it out here: http://www.uglysheetcake.blogspot.com/

cupcakes are trendy :(

Cupcakes are trendy. I know this.

But I’m not blogging about my baking glory for that reason. I’m not even entirely sure my baking is all that glorious. A lot of the time it is somewhat of a disaster; Chocolate layer cakes landslide off my counter, The Grim Rimmah’s birthday cake fell upside down on the Fez Room carpet and was re-frosted with my hand, and I sometimes completely space on putting ingredients like sugar in.

Although I find amusement in these culinary mishaps, I always strive for that one moment of baking glory. I relish a moment when just a pinch of spite in your strawberry, mocha and peanut butter cupcakes can bring your enemy to tears.

I hope that here I can document my utter failures, successes and the ridiculousness that is my passion for baked goods.

xoxo

Maimsey

Ps: I have a whole spice rack of secret ingredients. I bake most with love, but on the rare occasion I bake with spite.